Interesting Day

It's late.  I didn't intend to wait this long.  The day just ran away from me, but it was an interesting day.

Chloe and I went to the trainer this morning.  I must say that I'm kind of enjoying it.  It's good pain. Today was arms and abs day.  You know you've successful worked out when you can't reach the shampoo bottle because your arms are so sore.  Victory!

This morning, as mornings tend to do, kind of got out of hand.  I ended up being late for work (which I hate), and I wasn't feeling very perky (which I really hate).  As I was standing out in the parking lot waiting to do my car-rider line duty, I was trying to get my happy back.  I was not intentionally or purposefully talking to God, but next thing I knew, we were in a little conversation.

Now, if you remember, I mentioned in the Word post that Jesus and I haven't been super chatty lately.  I was actually fairly certain that He'd misplaced my contact info.  We've been on radio silence for about 18 months.  I'm not supposed to admit that, am I?  *Insert relative Bible verse that makes me sound holy*  The past week or so has been better, but I was still unprepared for our little chat; because it happened, and because I wasn't in a world of trouble.  You see, I've spent these last 18 months complaining because Jesus was so far away.  He wasn't listening.  I didn't matter.  Lather. Rinse. Repeat.  For 18 months.   I knew enough during my year and a half rant to mention every so often that my feelings were deceiving me, but I don't know how much I ever meant it.

Back to this morning, I was telling Jesus that I'm tired of having to work to get joy.  I'm tired of choosing perky.  I'm tired of having to pep talk my way into a smile on my face.  Although life hasn't been terrible, it's been a season of trench warfare.  Nothing got catastrophically worse, but nothing ever got better.  And attempting to advance felt like it could get you shot.  (Yes, I'm teaching WWI right now).  Above all things, trench warfare isn't known for bringing joy.  I was telling Jesus all of that today.   And today, for the first time since... whenever... Jesus responded.

He asked me if I really thought I were capable of manufacturing that joy on my own.  Did I really think I could love well without Him?  Had I ever considered that maybe He was with me during the radio silence stage?  That maybe He was the source of the joy?  Had I ever looked at my spiritual account?  Did I see that I was giving out of a fountain that I wasn't refilling and that wasn't running dry?  Honestly, was I giving myself credit for that fountain?

(I love how Jesus can fit that all in between car doors and elementary students.  And our school has some kiddos with some cute sneakers, I must say.)

I also love the way the you can feel little a total schmuck and completely loved at the same time.  It's so cliche to say Jesus was with me all along- like that Footprints poem.  But, here's the gig with cliches.  They are overused expressions because they are normally true.

Had I stopped whining for thiiiissss long, maybe I would have seen that Jesus was there.  He was so busy carrying my heaviness and giving me joy hat talking just wouldn't have made sense.  He wasn't cheerleading me through life.  He was dragging me through it.  When you drag unconscious people, do you chat with them?  (Not a great analogy?  Find some unconscious people. Test it out)

So, here I am.  Once again.  It's the end of another day, and I'm in the same place.  Jesus is working beyond what I see.  And, maybe more importantly, beyond that which I am willing to give Him credit.  

Deep thoughts from my tired mind,


Mandy said…
Ooooooooh, we are so due for that weekend together! My word this year is Joy, and I chose it for a reason. You are so my sister. Funny how you can look alike on the inside, huh? Please run away with me! 😘
panaMOM said…
You made me cry- I am totally signing up to be your sister! Done. Paperwork filed. ANd, I have a crazy strategy for the weekend together! Watch your email!!!

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