Tuesday, January 3, 2012

I've been mentally writing this post for weeks.

That's how I blog.  I ponder for hours.  Or days.  Sometimes it might be longer- weeks or months.  Some of the posts come as a stream of consciousness, but, generally, the ones I like best are the ones I ponder.  I have a series of blog posts waiting for me to hit "publish post."  For whatever reason, I've been unwilling to publish them.

I knew this post had to be written and published.  It defines me too much to ignore, but I'm not one to focus on these kinds of dates.  I thought about quoting myself, but is that wrong?  Too self-seeking?  That is certainly not my heart's desire.  I couldn't just ignore the time.  But how?  How do I make it all clear in a post when it isn't always clear in my heart.  And then today, the Lord gave me a glimpse.  A smile from eternity, and this post is now pouring out of my heart.

Photo credits to Mandy Daniel (First Moments Photography)


What do you see when you look at these pictures?  I love pictures of my kids looking away from the camera.  I'm not sure why.  I know part of it is because I love that they are walking into life together.  Recently, though, I've seen something else.  I've seen the step I'm missing in my stair-step kids.

Three years ago tomorrow (and know that I'll never post this thread on the actual anniversary- that date is too important to me for another reason to forever saddle it with this), I miscarried our son.  Just 30 hours previously- on a Saturday- I learned he had already been in eternity for some amount of time.  I will never forget that weekend.  The series of events that Sunday so completely prove to me the existence of a Loving God with a perfect plan that I will forever hold them close to my heart.

I'll share them with anyone who wants to hear, but I won't just throw them into cyberspace.  They're too precious.

I think those who were with us during the following week will tell you that we "handled it well."  That I wasn't "too emotional."  And while that's not completely true, it is mostly accurate.  I didn't fall apart, but not because I was strong, but because God was SO present.  There are no words to describe His closeness during that time.  That's why we are given eternity to discover Him.  And praise Him.

And our life, now completely changed, continued.

Recently, however, I've been really missing my child.  (And he has a name because he's my child, and children have names.)  I'm not sure why the waves of pain have been a little stronger recently than they have been for years, but the last 6 months or so have been harder than I anticipated.

Today, we went to the swimming pool.  The kids were all playing, and we were having a great time.  A little boy whom we had met on Christmas was there.  He is stinkin' cute and super spunky.  Carson had brought a ball down to the pool so the two boys started playing.  I didn't think anything of it, other than I was glad Carson was playing nicely with the little guy.  I overheard Carson, the child, and the mom chatting.  Again, I didn't give it much thought.  To be within 5 feet of Carson means you will be in a conversation with him.  Carson asked him how old he was.  He said, in a thick British accent, 2.  The little boy's mom told Carson that his birthday was in March.  This, of course, made Carson quite pleased because his birthday is also in March.

They figured out that the little guy would be turning 3 just 6 days after Carson turns 8.  I thought it was a neat thing.  And then, as I was standing in the shallow end, it struck me.  This little guy is just 2.5 months older than Carson's little brother would have been.  I smiled.  And sat down.  And watched them play together.  It felt like God allowed me a glimpse in "what might have been."  I was overcome by the sweetness of the moment. 

Just a few minutes later, Tony let me know our food had arrived.  I told Carson to say good-bye and come have lunch.  He did as I asked, came to the table, kissed Coralynn Mae, and started eating.  No,  I don't have two sons sharing a room and playing basketball games together.  No, I wouldn't have picked for my second son's life to be a mere 15 gestational weeks.  Yes, I would take my baby back in a heartbeat if the Lord chose to make that a miraculous possibility.  But, I look at my Coralynn Mae and know that my family is whole.  Complete.   And I praise God for His perfect plan.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11


Happy Anniversary, Cavin!
My son,
I miss you desperately
and love you deeply!
Always,
Momma

12 comments:

Lesa said...

There are some things, only our hearts can speak. I understand each word and will have my own 'remember and rejoice' day tomorrow. Our daughter, Grace, waits for us with Jesus.

panaMOM said...

remember and rejoice

I love that! Hugs to you, my friend!

Nancy said...

Beautiful! I've had a more difficult year this year missing mine. I have regrets with the way we handled things in our grief (& our lack of knowledge). I'll re-read this post often. Thank you

panaMOM said...

Much love, Nancy!! And prayers that the regrets will pass!!

togetherforgood said...

I lost my son Elijah at 15 weeks, four years ago this month. And I know exactly what you mean. ((hugs))

panaMOM said...

I'm sorry, Erin. Prayers for you this month!

Misty said...

I am a mom who understands and shares your grief. December marked 10 years for us. Thank you for putting to words your sorrow and joy so beautifully in memory of Cavin! I believe all these precious little ones have a very special place with our Heavenly Father!

panaMOM said...

Misty- I read about your "anniversary' in your prayer letter. I didn't know.

I read recently that because there is no darkness in heaven there is no night; therefore, it's all one day. I love that I'm going to join Cavin in heaven the same "day" he got there. :)

Mandy D said...

I love you friend. Not sure if it matters but I remember where I was and when I got your text. I think that's interesting because I have had friends that had other losses and I don't have a pinpoint cognizance as I do with your news. Chalk it up to a special friendship or a special time - both are impactful. Just wanted to tell you I love you and miss you.

panaMOM said...

Mandy- You played a pivotal role in my Walk during that time. I appreciate you so much and miss you oodles!!

Jessica Cotton said...

Lisa, thanks for writing this as for some reason, today has been especially hard for me too! I'm not sure if it's because my sister was just here and is now gone, or if it's because my parents are coming and I'm not pregnant as I thought I would be, or if it's because my dear roommate from college just lost her dad and I am so grieved for her and her family, or if it's because it's Christmas time and I love being pregnant at Christmas, or if it's because two of my very dear friends are about to pop and I'm not one of them anymore, or if it's just because I just plain miss my baby, or if it's all of these things which seems too much to bare right now. I miss all that he was to become and I've been looking at my son Micah and mourning for his loss of a brother. Your post is comforting knowing that it's ok to feel this way after a whole bunch of good days... to sink back into it and feel like it was yesterday. I feel like we are missing someone and everyone is looking at us wondering where he is. I feel lonely and so sad. I love you and I'm so thankful to have a friend like you to walk this out with. This is not fun, but the beauty of the Lord is somewhere in the thick of this and his mysteries lie on the other side. Thank you my dear friend!
Love,
Jess

panaMOM said...

Sweet Jess-

I am so sorry for your loss. Please, be patient with yourself as go through the waves. Allow yourself time to be healed and loved on by the Lord and others.

I'm thankful for your friendship, and it has been my humble honor to be used by the Lord in all of this.

Love you!
L