Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Maybe I'm Ungrateful

Or maybe I'm just picky.  Or fickle.  Or anxious. I'm not sure, but I do know that I am suddenly very uneasy about going back to Georgia for a visit.

The kids are doing great here.  They really are enjoying themselves, and they have goals for the days and weeks here.  They are looking forward to school.  They have their SS funny-dress days marked on the calendar.  This Sunday is dress-in-bright-colors-for-Pastor-Andrew's-birthday day.  They've been talking about what they want to wear.

Tony and I are settling in to life here.  Tony really enjoys his job, and I enjoy his satisfaction in his work.  I enjoy church, and the kick that it is each week.  I'm getting excited about the kids' school and finding a place to fit in there.  I love all the new food and the adventure that trying new recipes is.

In short, Panama is becoming our home.  It is home for the kids.  Tony and I are a little slower to completely adjust, but we no longer wake up and brace for the day.  The pep talk to get out of bed is gone.   The struggle to survive has slowly been replaced with living. 

And now I'm afraid again.  I'm afraid that the kids are going to unadjust to Panama.  I'm afraid that they won't want to come back to their new home after visiting their old home.  I'm afraid that knowing the hurt of leaving- which they couldn't imagine the first time- will make them resistant to return.

And I'm afraid it will fit again.  I'm concerned that it will still feel like home.  It shouldn't feel like we're home.  We've been gone too long.  We've lived too much.  If we fit right back where we were, we haven't done what we needed to do here.  We haven't learn what we could have.  It's been almost 4 months.  About 32 more to go.  Georgia needs to become a comfortable place to visit.  But it has to stop being home.

Panama is our home.

6 comments:

lizbeth321 said...

I know there is a difference in feeling welcomed in hearts and homes and in being home.

panaMOM said...

Absolutely Elizabeth!

So thankful for those who allow us to still be part of their lives even though we are far away!!

Anonymous said...

I totally get the conflict. Or fear. There is a mystique to B'ham that we still carry to this day. We fully realize it isn't the same place as before, when single/newly married, but it's our romanticized dream nonetheless. The thing is...when we visit B'ham, we have something now we didn't have then: an understanding of this great little town in GA. So it means we don't obsess as much about B'ham, because we've made a great life in GA. Your kids will likely do the same. Before, there was the excitement of newness, but fear of unknown. Now, they can look at is as having no fear, friends to visit and friends to go home to.

Wonder what this conversation will look like in 32-36 months?

Amoore said...

I've fretted about this both directions. everytime we think of going the other way. Presently I'm fretting @ wanting to leave. He's said more than once that maybe we could visit Indo but live in the US. NOOOOOO! Just walk together through the transition and remeber to clarify that home is where we are all together.

panaMOM said...

Love it, Amanda! Thank you!

Autumn said...

Ahhhh, the question of "home" when you have lived abroad. I can remember being at a week of camp and calling it home and meaning it just like I would my home where I lived full time. 4 months isn't long enough for all of you to more comfortable in Panama than in the US, but you will get the feeling of peoples lives are moving on wihout you there and it will feel like a visit and not "home" simply because your stuff isn't there. But, by the time 36 months rolls around, neither place will ever feel 100% home and yet, they will both be home. Just wait till you try to figure that one out!!
You will do fine on your visit, and just allow everyone to process at their speed with where they are in their adjustment too.