Day 2.

Well, actually it was day one.

My first day of group Spanish class was this afternoon.  I haven't taken a group Spanish class since high school, and I really hated it then.

I signed up for the Beginners Spanish class, and when I got there, I realized I knew more than I thought.  I also realized that I'm unwilling to use much of what I do have.

In a situation of necessity or crisis, I pull out my Spanish.  The rest of the time it stays in my brain.  Sometimes, I'll being sitting in a group of people who are speaking Spanish, and I will formulate sentences in my head. I know they are accurate, appropriate, and on topic.  Do I say them?  Of course not!


Well, that's what I've been thinking about since my class ended.

Why do I not use what I have?  I want to speak Spanish.  I get frustrated because my Spanish isn't better, but I don't try very hard to do anything about it.


Partly, it's because I'm academically lazy.  This, unfortunately, is a MAJOR pitfall of mine.  School was never difficult for me.  In turn, I never worked very hard on it.  I did the minimum, received pretty much straight A-s, and left it at that.  I remember my father being stunned that I got straight As my first semester in college, because he hadn't seen much effort put forth.  I graduated from college with a 3.96.  It was a no-stress 3.96.  And, at the time, I was pleased.  Grateful even that I could be successful without trying.  As a grown up, I now realize that this "gift" is quite the curse.  If everything comes easy, you never learn to work.  I either succeeded with zero effort, or I didn't try.  Nice, but true.

The biggest part of the problem, as I can figure out in the two hours I've been thinking about it, is that I don't like looking stupid.  Stupid like "uneducated, not smart" stupid.  I don't want people to think poorly of me, and I certainly don't want to be laughed at for my inability.  Speaking a foreign language is hard.  Speaking it well is very hard.

(Quick aside- The next Facebook status I read where someone is going off on their experience with a customer service agent whose English isn't perfect is going to make me flip out.  Let's remember they're trying, they're probably more bilingual than you are, and that electronic you are having trouble with probably costs more than they get paid in a month.  Cut them some slack.  Aside over.)

Okay.  What was I saying?  Oh yes.  My unwillingness to try because I don't want to look stupid if I fail.  Ugh.  When you write it all out in one phrase it stings more.  I wonder how true this is in the rest of my life.  How many times have I missed the opportunity to go deeper, farther, lower, higher, further and experience more because it's easier to be safe?

Fall 2014 resolution:  I'm going to being willing to a risk my image (goodness, did I gradutate from middle school?) to push myself deeper into where I want to be.  First goal.  Spanish!  Next, well, only time will tell.



Anonymous said…

Good luck. You have always been able to do what you set your mind to SET Go!!!

Guess who????
Erica said…
I FEEL you! I am the same.
Anonymous said…
I thought of this post at the ballpark the other day, where I have made a new Korean friend. It really puts her struggle(s) into perspective. What might she be thinking, pondering, or worrying over just in a simple conversation with me?

Popular Posts