Journal or a Blog?

Y'all, I'm not sure if this is a journal entry or a blog post.  It's definitely a stream of consciousness.  I don't have the mental energy to complete thoughts.

Yesterday, Carson turned 13 years old. I can't begin to describe how proud I am of my son.  He is uniquely gifted, and he lives out those gifts.  But, everyone has struggles, and he has had more this year than I would wish on anyone.  I'm proud that he appears to be walking out of them with himself- his thoughts, personality, softness- intact.

Today, we found out that the immigration process has progressed one step.  This is a total answer to prayer.  Continue praying with us that everything will be completed by the middle of next week.  I'm weary.

Also, today, we got word on what happens to us next year.  This is where my thoughts get all mushy. We've been waiting for this news since August.  And now we have it.  I thought I was going to feel a weight lift as we finally got answers.  I thought I was going to laugh more deeply, exhale more freely. Instead, I'm reminded that this is my first year as an adult.  And, as an adult, I'm aware that answers often just open the next round of questions.  The pit in my stomach is larger, not smaller, than it was before I knew.

Tony has asked me not to share publicly.  At least, not yet.  Not because it's a big secret, but because Tony is a man of honor.  He wants the right people to hear from him, and he wants people to hear in the right order.  It has nothing to do with favoritism but with honor.  If you don't hear until next week, it's not because we don't love you.  It's because we need to act in honor.  It's my favorite and least favorite thing about Tony. Why?  Because sometimes my carnal self wants to wallow on the low road- or in this case, spread gossip on the low road.

So, I'm here.  Pondering.  Pondering why I'm still pondering.  Pondering when it's important to just be still and know instead of pondering.  Pondering what to do next.  Pondering what life will look like.  Pondering who needs to know what so that whatever can get in line for whatever it is that happens next.

What happened to no more limbo?  Do other people live in constant limbo?  I hear rumors of people- my age- buying their forever home.  They picture having their grandchildren over to this home. They've figured out life for the next 40 years.  I know what I'm having for dinner.  Without exaggeration, I don't have our life planned out past March 25th.  That's as far as my life plan goes.  Everyone understands that he/she isn't promised tomorrow, but there seem to be some people who still don't live in limbo.  Is that true?  How do I become one of those people?

But, then, I wonder if I want to be one of those people.  Maybe God's called me to a life of limbo because otherwise I'd completely ignore Him.  I'm getting more Type A.  If I actually had a life like the horizon of the Great Plains, I'd plan every minute for the rest of my life (and my family's!) without a pause to ask the Father what He wants.

But, does that mean if I learn to ask- learn to trust- I can have a break from the limbo?  I'm tired.  And sleep doesn't conquer this kind of tired.  Tony and I are going to try a new strategy tonight...

We're not going to ponder.  Or process.  Or figure.  Or plan.  We're going to sit.  And snuggle.  And be.  That won't free us from the limbo, But, I'm praying that it will relieve the tired.



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