I need to write another post soon.
The thought has been yelling at me for a week.
Sometimes, I feel like I have so much to say. Other times, I have nothing.
I'm going through a period right now when I have so much to say about so many topics, but I have no idea where to start, where to end, or if I should even begin.
This life thing is crazy. James calls it a "vapor."
Here today. Gone tomorrow.
As some of you know, I'm a total hypochondriac. I have been for forever.
I remember being in 2nd grade and realizing that I couldn't feel my heart beat. I ran across the blacktop playground really fast, and I was so relieved to feel my heart beat.
Yes! I wasn't dead.
Silly, I know. Grown-up me can laugh at little me all the time realizing that grown-up me still has ridiculous fears based on faulty logic.
The perk of being a hypochondriac is that I'm acutely aware of the vaporness of life. Unfortunately, the fear can stiffle my ability to capture today.
Back in February I mentioned that I went to a prayer counselor. One of the things we prayed about was my fear issue. What I began to realize as the Lord spoke to me is that my fear comes partly from a place of needing control.
I'm not a control freak in the classic sense. I love spontantity. I can function with dirty dishes in the sink. My closet doesn't need to be color coordinated. Tony's the accountant, the number 1 profession of Type A personalities. Me, I'm a go-with-the-flow girl. How could God be telling me that I needed to let go of cotrol??
As I continued down that path, it became super clear that I have an extreme need to control God's will. Extreme. I simply didn't trust Him.
I left that 2-hour meeting exhausted, but encouraged. God is trustworthy.
That one hasn't sunk in as deep as the "God is love" one did.
But, I felt I had an action plan, of sorts.
I came home and told Tony about the session. I shared with him some changes I thought might benefit our family.
He said he'd get back to me. (Tony is definitely type A. The planner needed to think through some things.)
He came back to me a few weeks later, and let me know he agreed. Great.
Cue vomit-inducing faith.
You think you aren't a control freak? Give up control. Feel like you're going to vomit? You're a control freak, too.
Months have since passed since that initial conversation. The vomit feeling is gone. But, the Lord is here, and the faith has remained, too.
I'm acutely aware that I'm the one that can't be trusted.
My thoughts are fleeting, ever changing.
In one sense, that's a great strength of mine. It allows me to move every 3 years.
But, what I think I want rarely actually is what I want.
Why then was I trying to control God?
As I've spent weeks pondering on that, my prayer life has been revolutionized. No more lists of requests from me. No more asking God to make things happen in my life.
Nope. My prayers have become 2 sentences. "Lord, please make Your will happen in my life. And, please make me okay with- or even desire- it."
So, here I sit today.
I have no long-term goals to share. No great plans for you to join me in.
And I'm okay with that.
My life is just a vapor, but the One I serve is eternal. Eternally trustworthy.