August 26

(Before I sign off, pray for us.  This week brought one major defeat after the next.  There's probably news to share soon, but for now, please pray that I remember that God is faithful, that He has it under control, and that He isn't looking to screw my family over.)

That is how I ended last week's blog post.  This week, God decided to make it clear to me that He is faithful.  And He isn't looking to screw over my family.

This is actually from last Saturday, but I it took me a few days to process it.  That's Carson on the left.  He's holding hands with, J.  The other two adults are Aaron, our running buddy, and Renee, one of the greatest teachers I've ever seen.  They, with a couple of others who aren't in the picture, are Carson's squad.  Carson has a squad of people his own age, too.  But, these are his heart's squad.  Aaron is Carson's life role model.  Athletic.  Independent.  Running machine.  Math teacher extraordinaire.  Aaron is who Carson wants to be in a decade.  Renee takes life seriously but laughs a lot on the way.  She demands better of herself and those around her because she can see what we're all capable of.  To know Renee is to be loved by her and to be thankful that you are.  She is, in an adult version, what Carson is in a teenage version.

And then, there's J. He has a complicated story that isn't mine to tell.  But every so often, Daniela- who isn't in the picture but is vital to the squad- gets to spend the weekend with J.   Sometimes, Carson gets to hang with them, too.  Last weekend, I got a message early on Saturday that J and the squad were all going to the fruit market.  Would Carson like to join them?  I knew Carson would say "no" because "fruit market" feels like "grocery store" to Carson's psyche, and there is nothing that Carson hates worse than the grocery store.  So, I told Daniela that Carson would love to go.  He grumbled for about 7 seconds and got ready to go.  

When he got home a few hours later, we got to talk about the time. Carson was so excited that J remembered him and called him by name. He got to swing him.  He did the pick him up and act like he's going to drop him so he squeals in delight game.  He loved every minute of it even though he wouldn't admit it because that would make Mom right, and we just can't have that.

It's been 8 days.  I still can't process it.  I love Carson big.  And Carson loves everyone big.  But, Carson's love for J is only possible because of the Father's faithfulness.  Only a perfect Father could orchestrate a fourteen-year-old boy being fulfilled through spending his Saturday morning going to a very local fruit market with a bunch of adults (though very cool adults) and a little guy who needs a big guy in his life.  This isn't about a kid getting to have his missionary moment and going back to his life with an Instagram story full of likable photos.  This is about a kid who is overflowing the Father's love because it has to flow from him.

Next, on Monday night, I got a message from a friend who is also the mother of a student.  She wanted to meet Tuesday morning.  She gave me no reason.  I told her I couldn't because early in the week I was desperately trying to balance grad school, working, mom-ing, Christian-ing, and exercising.  There was no way I could handle a 7:00 am I-have-no-idea-what-is-coming meeting.  Wednesday, she asked me if Thursday morning would work.  By then, I decided that a) she really needed to meet and b) the weight of not knowing was weighing too heavily on me.

At 7:01 Thursday morning, I walked into a meeting with post it notes and a smile.  Inside, I just didn't want to be in trouble.  (I always have a complex about "meetings" because I got blindsided pretty good one time- by a different parent.  Plus, grad school is bringing all of my insecurities to the surface so I was particularly fragile this week.)  My friend sat me down and explained to me that she didn't want me to feel alone about grad school.  She told me that she doesn't understand why I'm feeling insecure because she sees me as a capable, but she also understands that isn't enough.  So, she gathered four of my dear friends and had them waiting in the conference room to pray over me.  We walked next door- I cried even though I wasn't in trouble- and my friends prayed for me.  For confidence.  And endurance.  And time management.  And support.  And wisdom.  Then, they told me that they were here for me if I needed to break down.  Or ask for prayer.  Or get a kick in the butt.  

And I saw the faithfulness of God in a for real real way.  I often tell God that He makes me feel invisible.  He told me that He sees me.

There were lots of other little things along the way: getting spots in clubs, connections with classmates, moments with students, being chosen to be a snowflake.  All week long, God showed me He is faithful.  Lots of difficult happened this week, too.  God is faithful in that, too.

To the graciousness of Abba God coming to sit on the floor with me as I figure out I can't stand up without Him,


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