Because you have to know God. You just have to know Him, and how much He loves you. I could try to sound all theologian-ish, but I use the word "theologian-ish" which means I'm immediately disqualified from being a theologian. Ish. In lieu of a dissertation in Greek and Hebrew and Scripture, you get me. And how Jesus speaks to me.
Five days ago, we made the decision to get rid of Cosita. She has always been a difficult dog, and we made the decision that she needed a new home where she could run and be wild. She is not an apartment dog. She's strong willed, and we aren't. The mix can be bad, and we made the decision that the time for her to leave had come.
Although I was part of that decision, I was completely crushed. The depth of emotion was almost too much. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I could barely teach. Any thought of the situation had me in tears.
And, I felt totally stupid. Let's be honest here. I am an emotional person. I'm loyal. I love completely. None of that made me feel stupid. But, the dog has been a total nightmare from day one. As my mom famously said, "that's not a pet. That's a problem."
I've been praying for almost 18 months that the dog would improve. Or that I would understand what was up with this stupid dog. ("Stupid" in the sense she's smarter than anyone else in the family. That's part of the problem.) I was getting nowhere until last Thursday.
(yep- there's the "until" again.)
I was in the shower; the Lord spoke so loudly as to be heard over the water and my crying. Clarifying- I don't hear the audible voice of God. It's much too loud to be audible. It's the overwhelming presence of truth coming through my veins. Meanwhile, back in the shower, the Voice spoke:
I care about the dog because you care about the dog, and I care about you.
You feel ridiculous for loving that dog and hurting so much. Feel that love for that dog. It's a small taste of how much I love you. I know what it feels like to love something so much and for it not to return the favor.
And you know how much you love that dog? You know that you'd never give your child for that dog, right? Well I love you so much that I did give my Son for you.
**Here's the best part**
You're falling apart over the thought of Cosita being gone. You aren't crying because she's terrible. You're crying because you just want her around. You just want her to be your puppy. That's all I want from you. Just relationship. You thinking I'm upset with you when you screw up? That.IS.Crazy. I knew when I created you that you were going to be a mess. You're human. I am just wanting to have a relationship with your messy self.
*cue Lisa falling to pieces*
I got out of the shower and told Tony what I'd been told. Then, I went to bed, and I slept. I slept really, really well.
I'm still going to miss the puppy when she leaves. I'm still going to cry a fool when I close the door behind her for the last time. I'm still going to find myself, over the next decade, wondering what she's doing. And, I'm going to mourn her death even though I'll never know when it is.
But, now I know what He needed me to know. I am loved- even greater and more perfectly than I love Cosita. And I do love her.