May 6
I'm warning you now- I'm in a mood.
This week started off super well. Monday was a normal day of work for me, but Tuesday was Panama's Labor Day so no school!
Monday night I went out for a girls' night out and had a much-needed night of laughing and chatting and connecting with adult people. Technically, most of these ladies are actually Carson's squad (it's a long, lovely story I'll tell sometime), so it was super nice to be invited. I can't tell you the last time I spent time with adults, and after, I felt ready to conquer the world.
That conquering spirit rode into Tuesday's day off allowing me to deep clean and organize my bathroom, bedroom, and closet. Is there anything better than clean spaces and a renewed mind? I think not.
Wednesday, the warm fuzzy feeling continued! The trophy case that Student Council (I'm their sponsor) had been working on was filled with trophies, and it looked beautiful! The students were so happy, and I was so happy for them!
But, now it's Sunday, and I'm in a mood.
Why?
1. I have yet another infection which means a new round of tests. I.Hate.This. I want to feel all better for a LONG time. I'd been doing well. I hadn't been on an antibiotic for a couple months, and I was claiming victory. I was wrong. Now, I'm waiting for lab work to come back, so I can get on the right med, so I can feel well enough to schedule the next tests, so I can wait anxiously for results which had better give me easily-treated answers! I like feeling strong. This isn't doing it for me.
2. I had an incident at school that hurt my feelings. That's stupid and immature and human and what makes me me. And, I didn't like the feeling. (On the bright side- I had a formal observation that went super well, and my principal's response made me feel capable. Capable > Sad.)
3. I'm super mad at people who call themselves Christians but don't act like Jesus. If I were a better person (and Christian), I'd recognize that we're all flawed people. But, I'm not a better person. I'm not angry about people who make that bad decision we all make at some point. You know those decisions where you look back like 2 minutes later and think I'm a schmuck. Those I can forgive all day long. I'm frustrated with the "I've so forgotten that Jesus isn't an American and a *fill in the blank denomination* that I can't separate my faith from my patriotism from my regionalism from my political affiliations from my bank account from my family's comfort from my Sunday school clique from selfies that make Jesus my assistant in being awesome from my favorite Bible verse that I've pulled from it's context to use as a weapon" people. I'm just done- which frustrates me more because I want to be one of those Christians who finishes well. And I'm losing to the Pharisees, and that's putting me in a mood.
Sigh.
I'm home from church today because of feeling like uck, so I watched one of my favorite church's live stream. (Shout out to SouthCrest Newnan/LaGrange!) The guy preaching today- totally apologize for missing his name- was sharing from Judges chapter 6 which is telling the story of Gideon who is definitely Team Schmuck. I like when the people in the Bible and I are on the same team. Gideon is off making dumb choices when we enter into verse 12...
This week started off super well. Monday was a normal day of work for me, but Tuesday was Panama's Labor Day so no school!
Monday night I went out for a girls' night out and had a much-needed night of laughing and chatting and connecting with adult people. Technically, most of these ladies are actually Carson's squad (it's a long, lovely story I'll tell sometime), so it was super nice to be invited. I can't tell you the last time I spent time with adults, and after, I felt ready to conquer the world.
That conquering spirit rode into Tuesday's day off allowing me to deep clean and organize my bathroom, bedroom, and closet. Is there anything better than clean spaces and a renewed mind? I think not.
Wednesday, the warm fuzzy feeling continued! The trophy case that Student Council (I'm their sponsor) had been working on was filled with trophies, and it looked beautiful! The students were so happy, and I was so happy for them!
But, now it's Sunday, and I'm in a mood.
Why?
1. I have yet another infection which means a new round of tests. I.Hate.This. I want to feel all better for a LONG time. I'd been doing well. I hadn't been on an antibiotic for a couple months, and I was claiming victory. I was wrong. Now, I'm waiting for lab work to come back, so I can get on the right med, so I can feel well enough to schedule the next tests, so I can wait anxiously for results which had better give me easily-treated answers! I like feeling strong. This isn't doing it for me.
2. I had an incident at school that hurt my feelings. That's stupid and immature and human and what makes me me. And, I didn't like the feeling. (On the bright side- I had a formal observation that went super well, and my principal's response made me feel capable. Capable > Sad.)
3. I'm super mad at people who call themselves Christians but don't act like Jesus. If I were a better person (and Christian), I'd recognize that we're all flawed people. But, I'm not a better person. I'm not angry about people who make that bad decision we all make at some point. You know those decisions where you look back like 2 minutes later and think I'm a schmuck. Those I can forgive all day long. I'm frustrated with the "I've so forgotten that Jesus isn't an American and a *fill in the blank denomination* that I can't separate my faith from my patriotism from my regionalism from my political affiliations from my bank account from my family's comfort from my Sunday school clique from selfies that make Jesus my assistant in being awesome from my favorite Bible verse that I've pulled from it's context to use as a weapon" people. I'm just done- which frustrates me more because I want to be one of those Christians who finishes well. And I'm losing to the Pharisees, and that's putting me in a mood.
Sigh.
I'm home from church today because of feeling like uck, so I watched one of my favorite church's live stream. (Shout out to SouthCrest Newnan/LaGrange!) The guy preaching today- totally apologize for missing his name- was sharing from Judges chapter 6 which is telling the story of Gideon who is definitely Team Schmuck. I like when the people in the Bible and I are on the same team. Gideon is off making dumb choices when we enter into verse 12...
12 When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”
13 “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the Lord bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian."
14 The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”
I am now in love with Judges 6. First up, the angel of the Lord refers to Gideon-who's acting a fool- as "mighty warrior." God sees us with perfect vision, and he knows that Gideon is more than his current foolishness. *Note to self: call yourself by the names God uses, not the ones hurt cry out. Secondly, after being addressed with this awesome name, Gideon immediately questions the situation: Um, let's review- if the Lord is with us, why is this hard stuff happening to us. (Have I mentioned that Gideon is my spirit schmuck? We're same.) And the only thing better than Gideon's question is the Lord's answer to him: Go in the strength you have. Gideon is freaking HIDING from the scary Midianites. He's got like no strength. But, it's with that like no strength that God is going to deliver Israel. That's perfect for me because I have like no strength to finish well. I want to quit working. I want to quit parenting. I want to quit marriage. I want to quit living internationally. I want to quit hard and go find easy. With Chicheme. And, it's with that *strength* I'm going to have victory.
So, maybe I'm not done done. I am still in a mood. But I'm moving toward a mood that has hope that the next step on the journey will bring light. Last Monday rocked. This Monday might, too.
To clean tests and hopeful skies,
L
L
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