I have no idea...
As I'm scrolling through Facebook tonight (when was the last time I had time to do that), I'm again reminded once again that I have no idea how forever works.
I look at people's pictures of their forever homes and their forever dreams coming true, and I realize my life works in moments.
Tony has been in the US this week. He's been having meetings and networking. He calls at night (or 5 times a day like today) with updates about what our tomorrow looks like. Sometimes the tomorrow is two years away. Sometimes tomorrow really is tomorrow.
I try not to reel from it all. My stomach churns, and my heart races. I've cried and yelled. I've tossed and turned. I get ready in the morning and try to cover the emotions of the night before in layers of makeup. I teach history with my mind racing to wonder what the next page of my story will look like. My kids come home and tell me about their days, and all I can do is ponder what the next day holds.
Sometimes, I laugh deeply knowing that it will, ultimately, all be ok. Other times, my breath is taken away by the emotions of walking the path to ultimately. And, then I condemn myself for taking moving decisions so seriously. Really? It's a new address. It's not like we're going through a terminal diagnosis.
But, the pain of the process is real, and I return to fighting back tears thinking about saying good-bye.
My family and I are walking together through David Platt's Bible study Follow Me. It's been amazing, and we've only been doing it for a few weeks. I, however, am completely trapped in one section of one sentence from day 4 of week one...
"We aren't called to simply believe certain points or observe certain practices but to cling to the Person of Christ as life itself."
Y'all. I'm not a clinger. I might be needy, but I'm not clingy.
I am independent and stubborn. As my dad tells the story, I was born a month premature, and I've had to have everything my way ever since. (And, for the record, I've also been early to every event ever since.)
I don't need anyone to do anything for me- except make returns. I can give an impromptu speech before a hundred people, but I can't make a return at Target on my own. Explain that.
I digress.
I'm not clingy. I don't do clingy well, but I wonder if that's exactly why God has my forevers all messy. It is truly the only thing that will make me cling.
I've written blog posts like this before. I'm sure I've even told the story about my inability to make returns before. But, I absolutely cannot shake this cling to Jesus "as life itself" thing.
As life itself.
That phrase wrecks my world.
Some of you know that I spent years (and I'm old enough that years means years and not a long-feeling month) in constant fear of dying. It was crippling. I couldn't laugh. Or eat. Or function. I cried in my closet and lost 20 pounds and spent thousands of dollars on unnecessary medical care. I wrote good-bye letters and made Tony promise that he'd remarry soon after my death, so the kids could experience a happy mother. Life isn't something I take for granted. I'm an expert days counter.
Now a decade letter, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I've overcome the fear and anxiety. And I did so through clinging on Jesus. He brought me healing. And, in return, I stopped clinging.
Is this like a human thing or do I have some serious problem? How do I let go of the one Thing that made life worth living?
And, now, He has me clinging again. Because I don't learn well, God actually gave me clinging homework. Tony left and 10 hours later Carson had a fever of 101.3. You know, cuz being alone with 4 kids and the dog for 8 days just isn't enough clinging practice.
So, I'm left to wonder what decisions will be made. To wonder what twists and turns are next. To wonder if this is another one of those false alarm and life will continue per normal.
I have no idea...
But, Lord, I will cling to you. I just pray it's because I've chosen to.
To "as life itself,"
L
I look at people's pictures of their forever homes and their forever dreams coming true, and I realize my life works in moments.
Tony has been in the US this week. He's been having meetings and networking. He calls at night (or 5 times a day like today) with updates about what our tomorrow looks like. Sometimes the tomorrow is two years away. Sometimes tomorrow really is tomorrow.
I try not to reel from it all. My stomach churns, and my heart races. I've cried and yelled. I've tossed and turned. I get ready in the morning and try to cover the emotions of the night before in layers of makeup. I teach history with my mind racing to wonder what the next page of my story will look like. My kids come home and tell me about their days, and all I can do is ponder what the next day holds.
Sometimes, I laugh deeply knowing that it will, ultimately, all be ok. Other times, my breath is taken away by the emotions of walking the path to ultimately. And, then I condemn myself for taking moving decisions so seriously. Really? It's a new address. It's not like we're going through a terminal diagnosis.
But, the pain of the process is real, and I return to fighting back tears thinking about saying good-bye.
My family and I are walking together through David Platt's Bible study Follow Me. It's been amazing, and we've only been doing it for a few weeks. I, however, am completely trapped in one section of one sentence from day 4 of week one...
"We aren't called to simply believe certain points or observe certain practices but to cling to the Person of Christ as life itself."
Y'all. I'm not a clinger. I might be needy, but I'm not clingy.
I am independent and stubborn. As my dad tells the story, I was born a month premature, and I've had to have everything my way ever since. (And, for the record, I've also been early to every event ever since.)
I don't need anyone to do anything for me- except make returns. I can give an impromptu speech before a hundred people, but I can't make a return at Target on my own. Explain that.
I digress.
I'm not clingy. I don't do clingy well, but I wonder if that's exactly why God has my forevers all messy. It is truly the only thing that will make me cling.
I've written blog posts like this before. I'm sure I've even told the story about my inability to make returns before. But, I absolutely cannot shake this cling to Jesus "as life itself" thing.
As life itself.
That phrase wrecks my world.
Some of you know that I spent years (and I'm old enough that years means years and not a long-feeling month) in constant fear of dying. It was crippling. I couldn't laugh. Or eat. Or function. I cried in my closet and lost 20 pounds and spent thousands of dollars on unnecessary medical care. I wrote good-bye letters and made Tony promise that he'd remarry soon after my death, so the kids could experience a happy mother. Life isn't something I take for granted. I'm an expert days counter.
Now a decade letter, and I'm still alive. More importantly, I've overcome the fear and anxiety. And I did so through clinging on Jesus. He brought me healing. And, in return, I stopped clinging.
Is this like a human thing or do I have some serious problem? How do I let go of the one Thing that made life worth living?
And, now, He has me clinging again. Because I don't learn well, God actually gave me clinging homework. Tony left and 10 hours later Carson had a fever of 101.3. You know, cuz being alone with 4 kids and the dog for 8 days just isn't enough clinging practice.
So, I'm left to wonder what decisions will be made. To wonder what twists and turns are next. To wonder if this is another one of those false alarm and life will continue per normal.
I have no idea...
But, Lord, I will cling to you. I just pray it's because I've chosen to.
To "as life itself,"
L
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